The beggining of the end.

Senior year.. Well most of 2012 was the worst year for me. Still it was a year to remember.
  Being a senior was not all that great but to my mom it was an emotional time. I remember walking down senior hall trying to find my locker to put away a few things before the first day of school. The locker i had was number 78 it wasn't anything special. It was a weird grayish blue covered in years worth of marker stains. It was a locker simple as that but to mother it was a tear worthy moment. It was her old locker when she was in high school or close enough to it. Being seventeen and being the oldest to a young emotional mom was draining. She cried a lot. It really didn't take much. She bawled when she saw a sign on the window in the hall saying we did it. My mom had me at barely 19 so the fact that i survived to be the person i am is astounding to her. Well any ways fast forward.
  Imagine being so in love with someone you knew you weren't going to spend your life with but can't stand to break up with him so you just deal with it. That was me. At this time i had been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I loved him but didn't know why. I hated everything he did and the way he treated me. To explain more he was a pc gamer which by no means was a bad thing. I do my fair share of gaming. But it often interfered with his ability to spend time with me. I would drive a half hour to his house to see him and the whole time he would have his back to me and his headset on. Not paying attention to me. But i dealt with it. I didn't get angry. Didn't say that it bothered me. Just sat there. Oblivious to the fact that relationships dont work that way. Im a conflict avoider. If something bothers me i dont say it i keep my mouth shut because i dont like to upset people. Anyways he would often tell me we could go to the movies just me and him and when the time came it either wasnt important enough to abandon playing middle lane. Or he would invite everyone else he lived with. But again kept my mouth shut.
   He lived with his family and a couple of his friends. While being ignored by the boyfriend i began imagining what it would be like to be with someone else. That someone being his roommate. He was cute, funny, smart and sexy. I would sit there oogling over him while he was on his computer. I would wear v necks with a push up bra and when he walked by i would stick out my chest to see if he noticed. Hell i noticed when he would walk around in his pajama pants without boxers. I creeped but it was harmless at the rate i was going i was going to spend my life a virgin and with an unitrested man. Enough of that though.
 Classes that year were simple i had mostly electives so it wasn't that hard. I was working a easy job at a gas station. I figured it was going to be a decent year. Jumping to graduation. It was finally time, i was going to be free from the life of high school. Again my mom was an emotional wreck but i didn't expect anything less than a running mascara moment anyways. She was blubbering but also hooting and holering. I was anxious to get things done so i could prepare for a summer of fun before heading off to college.
  My graduation party. Goodness where do i start. What is supposed to be fun was really stressful for me. The morning of my mother's now ex husband decided to throw one of his infamous temper tantrums. Screams where echoing throughout the house. Tears shed. I was ready that day to pack my shit and go. But once guests arrived it calmed down. I greeted family and friends. Awaiting the arrival of one person i hadn't seen in years. Scared he wouldn't show. As i was sitting on the trampoline next to my napping boyfriend i saw a vehicle pull in. And there he was. My godfather that i hadn't seen since i was little. He was a little more rotund than i remembered but still looked the same. He began walking down the drive way while i was trying to jump off the tramp in a dress as lady like as i could. I didn't do so well. But once my feet were on the ground i was running to him. See him and my mom had kinda had a falling out after they tried dating and it didn't work out. I looked up to him more as a child than i did my own father. So seeing him in my yard was the greatest thing ever.
 My mom noticed me taking off down the drive way and looked to see who was there. I hadn't told her that i took the liberty to invite him through facebook. She lost her shit when i said he had asked how she was through a message tears and all. She missed him as much as me if not more. That was nothing compared to her reaction when she saw who i was hugging. She was speechless but you could see the joy behind another set of blurry eyes. My party could have ended right then and i wouldn't have cared.
 Not long after the excitement my boyfriend decided he needed to go home after napping for 2 hours on my trampoline. I was so mad that for the first time in my life i wanted to get drunk. But it was damn near impossible with one of my friends drinking my drinks every time i turned my back.
 A bunch of congrats and 700 dollars later i was free from the graduation hype and ready to move forward. I just wasn't ready for it to move as fast as it did.
  Couple weeks after i graduated i was getting ready for work when my mom came up to my room and asked me to please move my car. I was confused because i was leaving In a half hour and didn't understand why it was so important. Another tantrum was erupting outside. I guess i couldn't park like a normal person whatever that meant. Our drive way was pretty straight forward. It widened out towards the end of it to match the length of the garage. It could easily fit 3 vehicles which is what we had. I parked at the end so it was my moms van the car and then my car. Plenty of room between each car. To the crack head though it wasnt good enough. So i went out side to obey the freaker. As i walked to my car he preceded to yell at me for no reason so i told him to grow up and moved my car barely 2 feet now parking in the grass he previously told me not to park in. I got out and told him he was a child and that a half hour wasn't going to hurt any of the vehicles. He then got into the van to "demonstrate" how i was parked. He floored it in reverse then again going forward. Almost hitting my mom and myself along with coming inches short of hitting my car. That's how i was parked. Inches away. Yep. That was it. I snapped i raged out on his ass freaking out probably more than it was worth but it felt good. He later told me that if i couldn't park right then i can't park in the drive way. So i said fine i was moving out. I went up to my room grabbed a few clothes told my mom i was going to stay at my boyfriends for a few days. The biggest surprise was she said she was leaving too.
  My mom was notorious for kicking him out and after a few hours letting him return but not once in 9years had she left him. Shit was going down. I got into my car and called my boyfriend asking if i could stay there until i could find an apartment he said yes. My mom and my sister's behind me i drove to work. I gave my mom 50 bucks and told her to go to my god fathers a few hours away.she had been talking to him every night since my party so i knew he would welcome her. As i watched her drive away i broke down. I didnt know how to be with out my mom and i wasnt talking to my father. I was alone. 17 and alone. Anxiety playing tricks on me the hours ticked by until i could go to my new home.
  When i got to my boyfriends his parents pulled me aside asking what happened and where i was going to go if i only intended to stay there a few days. The most amazing thing happened they told me i could live there as long as i needed. Over the next few weeks i went back and forth grabbing belongings and pets and bringing them to my new home. I had my own room apart from the boyfriend. So i had room to make a mess. I slipped into a slight depression and it only got worse the more i wasn't allowed to talk to my boyfriend about it. I noticed his sexy friend took notice in my sorrows and offered me small tokens to let me know he cared at least a little bit. I took comfort in it. Only making my crush that much harder to break. Couple months went by. The boyfriend  and his family were on vacation during this time so it was just me and the sexy friend and another friend at the house. We had a visitor from a friend as well. This is what ruined my year.
  My sister was visiting staying with me so she could see her dad a friend's she didn't get to say farewell to before being ripped from our life. We were in the family room watching tv when visitor friend came up from the basement. I could see in his face something was wrong. He had his phone in his hand and was texting. At first i thought him and his lady were fighting again but when i asked what was wrong all he said was he was waiting for confirmation then he would tell me. Moments passed and i was getting anxious again. It was confirmed.
  A friend from highschool. A year older than us. Someone i had fond memories of and had just seen weeks ago. Shot himself. Dead. I was in shock. My sister was devastated they were related in some way and i had to comfort her before i could break down. My sister stepped outside to call her friend who was also related to him so i walked to the entry way. I collapsed. Tears over flowed and hyperventilating  over took my body. My friend got on the floor and hugged me. His eyes also filled. I made a few calls including my job. The one person i couldnt get ahold of was my boyfriend. I wanted to tell him before he found out some other way. But he had no service. When i did finally get to tell him he was numb to it. Im fairly certain he had no emotions.
  A couple days later i went to the wake seeing all my high school friends gathered around his possessions. Among them were his letters. He explained that he had been un happy for a really long time and if he wasnt happy by age 20 he planned to end his life. It broke me to find out that someone i thought i knew so well was so unhappy. He was such a fun person full of humor and smiles. How was i to know? How were any of us? Next to his letters was something that pulled at my heart more than anything. A blue teddy bear. The first teddy my dad had ever given me that i gave to him. I sleep with stuff animals and he was jealous so i gave him the blue teddy as a gift. Apparently he loved it and it was heart warming. I stood there and hugged the bear bawling my eyes out while a friend hugged me. It meant so much to know that he had at least one thing he cared about and that it was from me.
  Time moved on though and i got into cosmetology school and was ready to start. My boyfriend left for college hours away and i eventually got my own sketchy ass apartment. But ill never forget the pain i felt losing another friend a year apart.
 There is one thing i learned from his death. It was something he would say to me all the time and actually the last thing he said to me before he passed. "Smile" so i try to live by that.

This post was longer than intended but a lot happened. A quote from my dearly missed friend before i go.

" live for today. Look forward to tomorrow. And dont forget to smile"

 

It's been years.

So it's been a while since i have been on here but a friend reminded me that i even had this just the other day.
  Where do i even begin to catch you up on my life within the last 5 years. Well ill start in 2011. My junior year in high school was awful the worst time in my life i had just found out that i had endometriosis so i was battling depression and not sure how to admit that i had it. Not only that but i was on birth control that turned me into a raging hormonal beast. One minute i would be happy and the next i would be hulking out ready to destroy the next skank bag that looked at me funny. At the beginning of the year during basketball season a class mate got really aick and had a heart attack or something. Idk really he was a douche canoe to begin with and his recovery made it all the more terrible. But besides the point it kinda hit the school hard. But it also strengthened us athletic wise and we made it to state. I was not an athletic person so i joined a xlass called "contemporary music" which was basically a 75 minute jam session during the school day. I was a singer and my boyfriend at the time was a guitar player. Mind you there were about 15 students in the class and most played guitar so it wasn't that great of an achievement for him. He was rather good at it though. Anyways during the state games we got to go to the cities for free and our band played during the game to cheer on the team. Well it got us quite a bit of attention from reporters for newspapers to webcasts. It was probably the only good thing that came from that year. Oh by the way the canoe of douchery walked while at the state game. Big achievement for him i guess.
  Not long after that shindig the absolute worse thing to hear walking into school was floating around. Rumors and tears flowing. I thought the canoe had died until i realized the people who were crying didn't fit the clique that he belonged too. After i got to my table in the cafeteria i asked one of my friends what happened. What i heard i couldn't believe i refused to believe it was anything but a rumor. When class started our principal came over the intercom adressing the rumor. Saying that our teachers have been informed of the situation and will tell us what they can. I was in English class anxiety high and ready hear that it wasn't true. Im not religious in any way at all but that day i prayed that it was just a rumor. It was not it was confirmed that a murder suicide had happened the night before involving two people i had kknown forever. They had been dating for a couple years and even had a baby together. Classmates of mine dead. Apparently it was easier to shoot her five times in the face than to deal with a fight. Then going and shooting himself. He left their beautiful baby girl without parents stuck between a custody battle between the grand parents. It was the most heart breaking news i had ever heard.
 After the confirmation i went out to the hall to call my mom. There was no way i was sitting in school during this emotional time. She was still asleep when i called and forgot all about me until i called again later that morning. I also called my best friend who was living in Fargo to let her know she was close with him and i didn't want her to hear it from anyone else.
 When my mom arrived they wouldn't let her take me home and told her we were under a lock down and no students could leave. Come to find out some middle school shit beat someone at c.o.d and gave him shit for losing to a kid and the fucker called in a bomb threat.
 All in all it was an eventful day. Later that week we had a vigil and the funerals to go too. At this time it was probably 3 years that i had been with the boyfriend i mentioned in an earlier post. He didn't handle the death of her all that well but didn't know how to express his emotions. They dated before and i don't think he really got over her. But i needed him to be there for me and he just shut down. (That was strike number one) but as the days moved on shop did we. Never have we forgotten but life had to go on. I went to prom and kept virginity that was disappointing. But that was the sum of my junior year.
       Peace beotches