August 27th 2012. The day my independence became a reality. I was a college student. I woke up early that morning to make myself look good for my first day. I did my hair in curls my makeup dramatic and my favorite open shouldered shirt on. I was nervous but excited. My dream as a teenager was to own my own salon with my best friend. That day was the beginning of me actually going through with something.
I was up and on the road in my brown Buick anxious to know if this was going to be like high school or if i would actually stand out amongst the crowd. I remember texting my boyfriend to wish me luck as i parked my car. I was nervous. I walked through those doors and was instantly over taken by the girls that were there. There was one girl in particular who stood out. A tall blonde girl who looked too young to be attending but just as nervous as me. I hefted my hurley back pack on my shoulder and cautiously walked towards her. She looked up at me nervous as hell so i tried to break the ice a little by asking if this was the right spot to meet. She smiled a little and said she had no idea. With that exchange of words i was determined that by the end of the day we would be friends.
Our instructors eventually let us into the lecture room where i immediately sat next to the girl. She was a stranger but i felt comfortable around her.
The instructors explained what we were going to be doing during our time here. Then there was a small introduction throughout the class. I found out the girl was a post secondary student of 17. Instantly i felt i had to be like a big sister to her. There was also a girl there also who i went to high school with, Coco. A pretty little hot shot Tay. Tiffa a sassy hispanic/ native american she was named after we realized she resembled queen latifa. The girl from earlier later called Tass and me who most everyone called Molly. For some reason people think i look like Molly Ringwald so i became Molly. We were the talkers of the class. Laughing our asses off while trying to perfect fingerwavesl, pin curls and roller sets. We talked about our lives and got to know each other fairly well.
Tass who had become my best friend in our class was a sheltered home schooled girl who was just getting her first taste of the real world. She often came off as shy towards people until you heard the shit that would come out of her mouth and i loved her for that. I fed her the world which i regretted later. I took her to a movie theater for the first time. Introduced her to 3oh!3, tried getting her out of her shell to meet boys. Brought her to my house to meet my friends. Colored her hair for the first time
With the passing days ne and Tass would go on walks through the town applying at every place imaginable for a job. She lived in some town i cant even spell that was somewhere around 2 hours away from school. So we concocted a plan to get jobs and an apartment together. We did look at a few apartments and i did get a really really crappy job at the local pizza joint. The moment of truth came i found us an apartment. Small but cheap and allowed me to have my cat not far from the school. Actually it was a shit hole but i had money from student loans left over and was desperate to get out of my boyfriends parents house. I signed the lease and called Tass to tell her i got us a place. Then bam! Huge slap in the face. All the sudden she decided her parents wouldnt approve of her getting an apartment. I was fucked but i already paid the deposit and first months rent so i moved in anyways thinking she would eventually change her mind. She didnt.
Oh i suppose i should mention this as well. I FINALLY lost my virginity. My boyfriend of close to 4 years finally put out! It was awful! It was his 19th birthday and he was in college hours away his dorms where not co ed so i couldnt stay with him so i got a hotel room, a box of condoms and a new hoodie for him. I drove up to his college met a few of his friends and then we left for the hotel room. I was nervous but excited. I was also hoping he wouldnt be offended by the condoms.
We got to the room and watched some tv. Then he opened his gift. The look he gave me when he saw the condoms was hilarious. I was an 18 year old virgin with absolutely no knowledge in condoms so i bought a variety pack. Ultra ribbed, twisted and Her pleasure. They were intimidating but funny as all hell for him to look at. We struggled the first time through. Well more he struggled i was in heaven. Second time was better. The next morning was painfully pleasurable. I found my kink. Pain.
Not going to lie they werent kidding when people say you grow a special attachment to the person who takes your virginity. As the months grew on the more my depression took over. I cried myself to sleep and could think of nothing better to do than drop out and run to my boyfriend. I missed him like crazy and it was interfering with my life. So much so that my instructors would pull me aside and let me cry on their shoulders. I was a wreck. I stopped wanting to be with my friends after school and began hiding away in my crappy apartment. It was actually my fault me and Tass grew apart but i blamed it on her.
Tass had the taste of what freedom was but had read way too many books and seen too many movies to know what parties where really like. Lets face it who actually has ragers ever? So i went with her to her first party in the middle of fucking no where. We actually got lost and ended up by this creepy cemetery and i freaked out because some dude was strolling towards us through the cemetery. We finally got to the party and it was a bust. Bunch of kids doped up on x and drunk skate boarding in a barn. Yay.
The whole reason she wanted to go was to hang out with this kid she had been talking too and i was all for that. I was pushing her to get the moves on with this kid which she chickened out on account of his shrimp breath.
We were out fairly late we trolled through Wal-Mart with a few guys from the party. It wasnt bad but it definitely wasnt the greatest thing either.
Shortly after all this i decided i wanted no part in destroying Tass's innocence. We grew apart. She thinks its because she played my best friend but really i was just growing a conscience. She began to hang out with Tifa. BAD plan there. Tifa was fun but like a religious hypocrite at the same time. I dont like religion but i dont judge people based on theirs. But Tiffa was a whole different story. She was a nut case.
One day i had both tass and Tiffa over for pizza and to hang out. This was sometime around Halloween. I had a 6pm class that i needed to go to so i said they could hang out until i got back. When i got back it was like a whole new aura in my apartment. Tass cornered me and tries to tell me my building is haunted. Which i believe in ghosts and have always felt surrounded by them. Not a big deal to me. Tifa had her kids with her too and her son went off to tell me a black demon looking figure walked passed my window and disappeared. My next door neighbour was a black fellow so i explained that it was probably him and refused to believe any other madness they tried to tell me.
Tass was freaking out about it and insisted on leaving but before they did tifa walked into my bathroom and began praying which not going to lie weirded me out. Then as they were leaving she had this oil in a vial. Im pretty sure it was just olive oil but she called it holy oil. Anyways Tifa drew a cross outside of my door with this oil. I think she also drew it on my window. It weirded me out.
The next day is what threw me over the edge. Tass told every one in our class that my apartment was haunted by some demon and that she wouldnt be going over there again. I got mad well more irate at her and refused to hang out with her anywhere else. That's when we grew apart the most.
I did hang out with a few other friends from school and had fun with them Tay i hung out with the most until she dropped out. Then i hung out with Jenessa until i realized she was a bitch. And then there was Trinda. Trinda got me out of my funk. Mostly because she never let me be alone and i lost my drivers license due to a stupid mix up at the dmv. She was loud and opinionated and adventurous and it was fun.
As time went by i started hearing about the stuff Tass was getting into. Tifa was not a good influence. Driving around with her toddler on her lap instead of a seat. Leaving her kids home alone while she went to parties. Drugs. The works. Then i heard Tass had a boyfriend. An off again on again boyfriend. I was worried about her but was also still mad at her so i kept my distance until tifa left. Then i slowly inched my way back in again.
Also i was so depressed that i got a puppy. She was a pekingese with bum leg. I named her Wicket like the ewok from star wars. I loved her to death and she helped out alot.
Shortly before summer break i realized that the birth control i was on was contributing to my mood swings so i stopped taking them andi think thats what helped me get over being mad at Tass.
I should mention that i was a pretty good hair student when it came to tests. College wasnt that hard it was getting there with my crappy vehicle.
Tass and i eventually did become good friends again. I helped her out with her problems with her shitty boyfriend trying to keep her from talking to him when they broke up and he was out of state. It didnt work but i tried that's what mattered right?
Not long after my last semester started i was evicted from my apartment for being 4 months behind on rent. I was a broke bitch. So i moved in with my dad and his new wife. But being farther away from school and having an unreliable car i got to school less and less. Then i got fired from the pizza joint. I all around gave up honestly. I took the 47 dollars a week i got for unemployment and would spend most my time at the college my boyfriend was going to. He transfered to one a bit closer and it was co ed. I would litterally spend days there jusy wishing i could be done with everything and stay there forever.
Eventually i did finish my hours and only had a few skills left to do but it ran into the next semester. To save me money my instructors agreed to hide me so i wouldnt have to register and yet finish my stuff. I screwed that up. I got caught by the dean and got kickes out until i pay 700$. So i never did get my license so it all became a waste of time.
At the same time it wasn't a waste at all. I learned alot about myself and made a great friend in the process.
Tass if you read this I love YOU!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
The beggining of the end.
Senior year.. Well most of 2012 was the worst year for me. Still it was a year to remember.
Being a senior was not all that great but to my mom it was an emotional time. I remember walking down senior hall trying to find my locker to put away a few things before the first day of school. The locker i had was number 78 it wasn't anything special. It was a weird grayish blue covered in years worth of marker stains. It was a locker simple as that but to mother it was a tear worthy moment. It was her old locker when she was in high school or close enough to it. Being seventeen and being the oldest to a young emotional mom was draining. She cried a lot. It really didn't take much. She bawled when she saw a sign on the window in the hall saying we did it. My mom had me at barely 19 so the fact that i survived to be the person i am is astounding to her. Well any ways fast forward.
Imagine being so in love with someone you knew you weren't going to spend your life with but can't stand to break up with him so you just deal with it. That was me. At this time i had been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I loved him but didn't know why. I hated everything he did and the way he treated me. To explain more he was a pc gamer which by no means was a bad thing. I do my fair share of gaming. But it often interfered with his ability to spend time with me. I would drive a half hour to his house to see him and the whole time he would have his back to me and his headset on. Not paying attention to me. But i dealt with it. I didn't get angry. Didn't say that it bothered me. Just sat there. Oblivious to the fact that relationships dont work that way. Im a conflict avoider. If something bothers me i dont say it i keep my mouth shut because i dont like to upset people. Anyways he would often tell me we could go to the movies just me and him and when the time came it either wasnt important enough to abandon playing middle lane. Or he would invite everyone else he lived with. But again kept my mouth shut.
He lived with his family and a couple of his friends. While being ignored by the boyfriend i began imagining what it would be like to be with someone else. That someone being his roommate. He was cute, funny, smart and sexy. I would sit there oogling over him while he was on his computer. I would wear v necks with a push up bra and when he walked by i would stick out my chest to see if he noticed. Hell i noticed when he would walk around in his pajama pants without boxers. I creeped but it was harmless at the rate i was going i was going to spend my life a virgin and with an unitrested man. Enough of that though.
Classes that year were simple i had mostly electives so it wasn't that hard. I was working a easy job at a gas station. I figured it was going to be a decent year. Jumping to graduation. It was finally time, i was going to be free from the life of high school. Again my mom was an emotional wreck but i didn't expect anything less than a running mascara moment anyways. She was blubbering but also hooting and holering. I was anxious to get things done so i could prepare for a summer of fun before heading off to college.
My graduation party. Goodness where do i start. What is supposed to be fun was really stressful for me. The morning of my mother's now ex husband decided to throw one of his infamous temper tantrums. Screams where echoing throughout the house. Tears shed. I was ready that day to pack my shit and go. But once guests arrived it calmed down. I greeted family and friends. Awaiting the arrival of one person i hadn't seen in years. Scared he wouldn't show. As i was sitting on the trampoline next to my napping boyfriend i saw a vehicle pull in. And there he was. My godfather that i hadn't seen since i was little. He was a little more rotund than i remembered but still looked the same. He began walking down the drive way while i was trying to jump off the tramp in a dress as lady like as i could. I didn't do so well. But once my feet were on the ground i was running to him. See him and my mom had kinda had a falling out after they tried dating and it didn't work out. I looked up to him more as a child than i did my own father. So seeing him in my yard was the greatest thing ever.
My mom noticed me taking off down the drive way and looked to see who was there. I hadn't told her that i took the liberty to invite him through facebook. She lost her shit when i said he had asked how she was through a message tears and all. She missed him as much as me if not more. That was nothing compared to her reaction when she saw who i was hugging. She was speechless but you could see the joy behind another set of blurry eyes. My party could have ended right then and i wouldn't have cared.
Not long after the excitement my boyfriend decided he needed to go home after napping for 2 hours on my trampoline. I was so mad that for the first time in my life i wanted to get drunk. But it was damn near impossible with one of my friends drinking my drinks every time i turned my back.
A bunch of congrats and 700 dollars later i was free from the graduation hype and ready to move forward. I just wasn't ready for it to move as fast as it did.
Couple weeks after i graduated i was getting ready for work when my mom came up to my room and asked me to please move my car. I was confused because i was leaving In a half hour and didn't understand why it was so important. Another tantrum was erupting outside. I guess i couldn't park like a normal person whatever that meant. Our drive way was pretty straight forward. It widened out towards the end of it to match the length of the garage. It could easily fit 3 vehicles which is what we had. I parked at the end so it was my moms van the car and then my car. Plenty of room between each car. To the crack head though it wasnt good enough. So i went out side to obey the freaker. As i walked to my car he preceded to yell at me for no reason so i told him to grow up and moved my car barely 2 feet now parking in the grass he previously told me not to park in. I got out and told him he was a child and that a half hour wasn't going to hurt any of the vehicles. He then got into the van to "demonstrate" how i was parked. He floored it in reverse then again going forward. Almost hitting my mom and myself along with coming inches short of hitting my car. That's how i was parked. Inches away. Yep. That was it. I snapped i raged out on his ass freaking out probably more than it was worth but it felt good. He later told me that if i couldn't park right then i can't park in the drive way. So i said fine i was moving out. I went up to my room grabbed a few clothes told my mom i was going to stay at my boyfriends for a few days. The biggest surprise was she said she was leaving too.
My mom was notorious for kicking him out and after a few hours letting him return but not once in 9years had she left him. Shit was going down. I got into my car and called my boyfriend asking if i could stay there until i could find an apartment he said yes. My mom and my sister's behind me i drove to work. I gave my mom 50 bucks and told her to go to my god fathers a few hours away.she had been talking to him every night since my party so i knew he would welcome her. As i watched her drive away i broke down. I didnt know how to be with out my mom and i wasnt talking to my father. I was alone. 17 and alone. Anxiety playing tricks on me the hours ticked by until i could go to my new home.
When i got to my boyfriends his parents pulled me aside asking what happened and where i was going to go if i only intended to stay there a few days. The most amazing thing happened they told me i could live there as long as i needed. Over the next few weeks i went back and forth grabbing belongings and pets and bringing them to my new home. I had my own room apart from the boyfriend. So i had room to make a mess. I slipped into a slight depression and it only got worse the more i wasn't allowed to talk to my boyfriend about it. I noticed his sexy friend took notice in my sorrows and offered me small tokens to let me know he cared at least a little bit. I took comfort in it. Only making my crush that much harder to break. Couple months went by. The boyfriend and his family were on vacation during this time so it was just me and the sexy friend and another friend at the house. We had a visitor from a friend as well. This is what ruined my year.
My sister was visiting staying with me so she could see her dad a friend's she didn't get to say farewell to before being ripped from our life. We were in the family room watching tv when visitor friend came up from the basement. I could see in his face something was wrong. He had his phone in his hand and was texting. At first i thought him and his lady were fighting again but when i asked what was wrong all he said was he was waiting for confirmation then he would tell me. Moments passed and i was getting anxious again. It was confirmed.
A friend from highschool. A year older than us. Someone i had fond memories of and had just seen weeks ago. Shot himself. Dead. I was in shock. My sister was devastated they were related in some way and i had to comfort her before i could break down. My sister stepped outside to call her friend who was also related to him so i walked to the entry way. I collapsed. Tears over flowed and hyperventilating over took my body. My friend got on the floor and hugged me. His eyes also filled. I made a few calls including my job. The one person i couldnt get ahold of was my boyfriend. I wanted to tell him before he found out some other way. But he had no service. When i did finally get to tell him he was numb to it. Im fairly certain he had no emotions.
A couple days later i went to the wake seeing all my high school friends gathered around his possessions. Among them were his letters. He explained that he had been un happy for a really long time and if he wasnt happy by age 20 he planned to end his life. It broke me to find out that someone i thought i knew so well was so unhappy. He was such a fun person full of humor and smiles. How was i to know? How were any of us? Next to his letters was something that pulled at my heart more than anything. A blue teddy bear. The first teddy my dad had ever given me that i gave to him. I sleep with stuff animals and he was jealous so i gave him the blue teddy as a gift. Apparently he loved it and it was heart warming. I stood there and hugged the bear bawling my eyes out while a friend hugged me. It meant so much to know that he had at least one thing he cared about and that it was from me.
Time moved on though and i got into cosmetology school and was ready to start. My boyfriend left for college hours away and i eventually got my own sketchy ass apartment. But ill never forget the pain i felt losing another friend a year apart.
There is one thing i learned from his death. It was something he would say to me all the time and actually the last thing he said to me before he passed. "Smile" so i try to live by that.
This post was longer than intended but a lot happened. A quote from my dearly missed friend before i go.
" live for today. Look forward to tomorrow. And dont forget to smile"
Being a senior was not all that great but to my mom it was an emotional time. I remember walking down senior hall trying to find my locker to put away a few things before the first day of school. The locker i had was number 78 it wasn't anything special. It was a weird grayish blue covered in years worth of marker stains. It was a locker simple as that but to mother it was a tear worthy moment. It was her old locker when she was in high school or close enough to it. Being seventeen and being the oldest to a young emotional mom was draining. She cried a lot. It really didn't take much. She bawled when she saw a sign on the window in the hall saying we did it. My mom had me at barely 19 so the fact that i survived to be the person i am is astounding to her. Well any ways fast forward.
Imagine being so in love with someone you knew you weren't going to spend your life with but can't stand to break up with him so you just deal with it. That was me. At this time i had been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I loved him but didn't know why. I hated everything he did and the way he treated me. To explain more he was a pc gamer which by no means was a bad thing. I do my fair share of gaming. But it often interfered with his ability to spend time with me. I would drive a half hour to his house to see him and the whole time he would have his back to me and his headset on. Not paying attention to me. But i dealt with it. I didn't get angry. Didn't say that it bothered me. Just sat there. Oblivious to the fact that relationships dont work that way. Im a conflict avoider. If something bothers me i dont say it i keep my mouth shut because i dont like to upset people. Anyways he would often tell me we could go to the movies just me and him and when the time came it either wasnt important enough to abandon playing middle lane. Or he would invite everyone else he lived with. But again kept my mouth shut.
He lived with his family and a couple of his friends. While being ignored by the boyfriend i began imagining what it would be like to be with someone else. That someone being his roommate. He was cute, funny, smart and sexy. I would sit there oogling over him while he was on his computer. I would wear v necks with a push up bra and when he walked by i would stick out my chest to see if he noticed. Hell i noticed when he would walk around in his pajama pants without boxers. I creeped but it was harmless at the rate i was going i was going to spend my life a virgin and with an unitrested man. Enough of that though.
Classes that year were simple i had mostly electives so it wasn't that hard. I was working a easy job at a gas station. I figured it was going to be a decent year. Jumping to graduation. It was finally time, i was going to be free from the life of high school. Again my mom was an emotional wreck but i didn't expect anything less than a running mascara moment anyways. She was blubbering but also hooting and holering. I was anxious to get things done so i could prepare for a summer of fun before heading off to college.
My graduation party. Goodness where do i start. What is supposed to be fun was really stressful for me. The morning of my mother's now ex husband decided to throw one of his infamous temper tantrums. Screams where echoing throughout the house. Tears shed. I was ready that day to pack my shit and go. But once guests arrived it calmed down. I greeted family and friends. Awaiting the arrival of one person i hadn't seen in years. Scared he wouldn't show. As i was sitting on the trampoline next to my napping boyfriend i saw a vehicle pull in. And there he was. My godfather that i hadn't seen since i was little. He was a little more rotund than i remembered but still looked the same. He began walking down the drive way while i was trying to jump off the tramp in a dress as lady like as i could. I didn't do so well. But once my feet were on the ground i was running to him. See him and my mom had kinda had a falling out after they tried dating and it didn't work out. I looked up to him more as a child than i did my own father. So seeing him in my yard was the greatest thing ever.
My mom noticed me taking off down the drive way and looked to see who was there. I hadn't told her that i took the liberty to invite him through facebook. She lost her shit when i said he had asked how she was through a message tears and all. She missed him as much as me if not more. That was nothing compared to her reaction when she saw who i was hugging. She was speechless but you could see the joy behind another set of blurry eyes. My party could have ended right then and i wouldn't have cared.
Not long after the excitement my boyfriend decided he needed to go home after napping for 2 hours on my trampoline. I was so mad that for the first time in my life i wanted to get drunk. But it was damn near impossible with one of my friends drinking my drinks every time i turned my back.
A bunch of congrats and 700 dollars later i was free from the graduation hype and ready to move forward. I just wasn't ready for it to move as fast as it did.
Couple weeks after i graduated i was getting ready for work when my mom came up to my room and asked me to please move my car. I was confused because i was leaving In a half hour and didn't understand why it was so important. Another tantrum was erupting outside. I guess i couldn't park like a normal person whatever that meant. Our drive way was pretty straight forward. It widened out towards the end of it to match the length of the garage. It could easily fit 3 vehicles which is what we had. I parked at the end so it was my moms van the car and then my car. Plenty of room between each car. To the crack head though it wasnt good enough. So i went out side to obey the freaker. As i walked to my car he preceded to yell at me for no reason so i told him to grow up and moved my car barely 2 feet now parking in the grass he previously told me not to park in. I got out and told him he was a child and that a half hour wasn't going to hurt any of the vehicles. He then got into the van to "demonstrate" how i was parked. He floored it in reverse then again going forward. Almost hitting my mom and myself along with coming inches short of hitting my car. That's how i was parked. Inches away. Yep. That was it. I snapped i raged out on his ass freaking out probably more than it was worth but it felt good. He later told me that if i couldn't park right then i can't park in the drive way. So i said fine i was moving out. I went up to my room grabbed a few clothes told my mom i was going to stay at my boyfriends for a few days. The biggest surprise was she said she was leaving too.
My mom was notorious for kicking him out and after a few hours letting him return but not once in 9years had she left him. Shit was going down. I got into my car and called my boyfriend asking if i could stay there until i could find an apartment he said yes. My mom and my sister's behind me i drove to work. I gave my mom 50 bucks and told her to go to my god fathers a few hours away.she had been talking to him every night since my party so i knew he would welcome her. As i watched her drive away i broke down. I didnt know how to be with out my mom and i wasnt talking to my father. I was alone. 17 and alone. Anxiety playing tricks on me the hours ticked by until i could go to my new home.
When i got to my boyfriends his parents pulled me aside asking what happened and where i was going to go if i only intended to stay there a few days. The most amazing thing happened they told me i could live there as long as i needed. Over the next few weeks i went back and forth grabbing belongings and pets and bringing them to my new home. I had my own room apart from the boyfriend. So i had room to make a mess. I slipped into a slight depression and it only got worse the more i wasn't allowed to talk to my boyfriend about it. I noticed his sexy friend took notice in my sorrows and offered me small tokens to let me know he cared at least a little bit. I took comfort in it. Only making my crush that much harder to break. Couple months went by. The boyfriend and his family were on vacation during this time so it was just me and the sexy friend and another friend at the house. We had a visitor from a friend as well. This is what ruined my year.
My sister was visiting staying with me so she could see her dad a friend's she didn't get to say farewell to before being ripped from our life. We were in the family room watching tv when visitor friend came up from the basement. I could see in his face something was wrong. He had his phone in his hand and was texting. At first i thought him and his lady were fighting again but when i asked what was wrong all he said was he was waiting for confirmation then he would tell me. Moments passed and i was getting anxious again. It was confirmed.
A friend from highschool. A year older than us. Someone i had fond memories of and had just seen weeks ago. Shot himself. Dead. I was in shock. My sister was devastated they were related in some way and i had to comfort her before i could break down. My sister stepped outside to call her friend who was also related to him so i walked to the entry way. I collapsed. Tears over flowed and hyperventilating over took my body. My friend got on the floor and hugged me. His eyes also filled. I made a few calls including my job. The one person i couldnt get ahold of was my boyfriend. I wanted to tell him before he found out some other way. But he had no service. When i did finally get to tell him he was numb to it. Im fairly certain he had no emotions.
A couple days later i went to the wake seeing all my high school friends gathered around his possessions. Among them were his letters. He explained that he had been un happy for a really long time and if he wasnt happy by age 20 he planned to end his life. It broke me to find out that someone i thought i knew so well was so unhappy. He was such a fun person full of humor and smiles. How was i to know? How were any of us? Next to his letters was something that pulled at my heart more than anything. A blue teddy bear. The first teddy my dad had ever given me that i gave to him. I sleep with stuff animals and he was jealous so i gave him the blue teddy as a gift. Apparently he loved it and it was heart warming. I stood there and hugged the bear bawling my eyes out while a friend hugged me. It meant so much to know that he had at least one thing he cared about and that it was from me.
Time moved on though and i got into cosmetology school and was ready to start. My boyfriend left for college hours away and i eventually got my own sketchy ass apartment. But ill never forget the pain i felt losing another friend a year apart.
There is one thing i learned from his death. It was something he would say to me all the time and actually the last thing he said to me before he passed. "Smile" so i try to live by that.
This post was longer than intended but a lot happened. A quote from my dearly missed friend before i go.
" live for today. Look forward to tomorrow. And dont forget to smile"
Saturday, November 28, 2015
It's been years.
So it's been a while since i have been on here but a friend reminded me that i even had this just the other day.
Where do i even begin to catch you up on my life within the last 5 years. Well ill start in 2011. My junior year in high school was awful the worst time in my life i had just found out that i had endometriosis so i was battling depression and not sure how to admit that i had it. Not only that but i was on birth control that turned me into a raging hormonal beast. One minute i would be happy and the next i would be hulking out ready to destroy the next skank bag that looked at me funny. At the beginning of the year during basketball season a class mate got really aick and had a heart attack or something. Idk really he was a douche canoe to begin with and his recovery made it all the more terrible. But besides the point it kinda hit the school hard. But it also strengthened us athletic wise and we made it to state. I was not an athletic person so i joined a xlass called "contemporary music" which was basically a 75 minute jam session during the school day. I was a singer and my boyfriend at the time was a guitar player. Mind you there were about 15 students in the class and most played guitar so it wasn't that great of an achievement for him. He was rather good at it though. Anyways during the state games we got to go to the cities for free and our band played during the game to cheer on the team. Well it got us quite a bit of attention from reporters for newspapers to webcasts. It was probably the only good thing that came from that year. Oh by the way the canoe of douchery walked while at the state game. Big achievement for him i guess.
Not long after that shindig the absolute worse thing to hear walking into school was floating around. Rumors and tears flowing. I thought the canoe had died until i realized the people who were crying didn't fit the clique that he belonged too. After i got to my table in the cafeteria i asked one of my friends what happened. What i heard i couldn't believe i refused to believe it was anything but a rumor. When class started our principal came over the intercom adressing the rumor. Saying that our teachers have been informed of the situation and will tell us what they can. I was in English class anxiety high and ready hear that it wasn't true. Im not religious in any way at all but that day i prayed that it was just a rumor. It was not it was confirmed that a murder suicide had happened the night before involving two people i had kknown forever. They had been dating for a couple years and even had a baby together. Classmates of mine dead. Apparently it was easier to shoot her five times in the face than to deal with a fight. Then going and shooting himself. He left their beautiful baby girl without parents stuck between a custody battle between the grand parents. It was the most heart breaking news i had ever heard.
After the confirmation i went out to the hall to call my mom. There was no way i was sitting in school during this emotional time. She was still asleep when i called and forgot all about me until i called again later that morning. I also called my best friend who was living in Fargo to let her know she was close with him and i didn't want her to hear it from anyone else.
When my mom arrived they wouldn't let her take me home and told her we were under a lock down and no students could leave. Come to find out some middle school shit beat someone at c.o.d and gave him shit for losing to a kid and the fucker called in a bomb threat.
All in all it was an eventful day. Later that week we had a vigil and the funerals to go too. At this time it was probably 3 years that i had been with the boyfriend i mentioned in an earlier post. He didn't handle the death of her all that well but didn't know how to express his emotions. They dated before and i don't think he really got over her. But i needed him to be there for me and he just shut down. (That was strike number one) but as the days moved on shop did we. Never have we forgotten but life had to go on. I went to prom and kept virginity that was disappointing. But that was the sum of my junior year.
Peace beotches
Where do i even begin to catch you up on my life within the last 5 years. Well ill start in 2011. My junior year in high school was awful the worst time in my life i had just found out that i had endometriosis so i was battling depression and not sure how to admit that i had it. Not only that but i was on birth control that turned me into a raging hormonal beast. One minute i would be happy and the next i would be hulking out ready to destroy the next skank bag that looked at me funny. At the beginning of the year during basketball season a class mate got really aick and had a heart attack or something. Idk really he was a douche canoe to begin with and his recovery made it all the more terrible. But besides the point it kinda hit the school hard. But it also strengthened us athletic wise and we made it to state. I was not an athletic person so i joined a xlass called "contemporary music" which was basically a 75 minute jam session during the school day. I was a singer and my boyfriend at the time was a guitar player. Mind you there were about 15 students in the class and most played guitar so it wasn't that great of an achievement for him. He was rather good at it though. Anyways during the state games we got to go to the cities for free and our band played during the game to cheer on the team. Well it got us quite a bit of attention from reporters for newspapers to webcasts. It was probably the only good thing that came from that year. Oh by the way the canoe of douchery walked while at the state game. Big achievement for him i guess.
Not long after that shindig the absolute worse thing to hear walking into school was floating around. Rumors and tears flowing. I thought the canoe had died until i realized the people who were crying didn't fit the clique that he belonged too. After i got to my table in the cafeteria i asked one of my friends what happened. What i heard i couldn't believe i refused to believe it was anything but a rumor. When class started our principal came over the intercom adressing the rumor. Saying that our teachers have been informed of the situation and will tell us what they can. I was in English class anxiety high and ready hear that it wasn't true. Im not religious in any way at all but that day i prayed that it was just a rumor. It was not it was confirmed that a murder suicide had happened the night before involving two people i had kknown forever. They had been dating for a couple years and even had a baby together. Classmates of mine dead. Apparently it was easier to shoot her five times in the face than to deal with a fight. Then going and shooting himself. He left their beautiful baby girl without parents stuck between a custody battle between the grand parents. It was the most heart breaking news i had ever heard.
After the confirmation i went out to the hall to call my mom. There was no way i was sitting in school during this emotional time. She was still asleep when i called and forgot all about me until i called again later that morning. I also called my best friend who was living in Fargo to let her know she was close with him and i didn't want her to hear it from anyone else.
When my mom arrived they wouldn't let her take me home and told her we were under a lock down and no students could leave. Come to find out some middle school shit beat someone at c.o.d and gave him shit for losing to a kid and the fucker called in a bomb threat.
All in all it was an eventful day. Later that week we had a vigil and the funerals to go too. At this time it was probably 3 years that i had been with the boyfriend i mentioned in an earlier post. He didn't handle the death of her all that well but didn't know how to express his emotions. They dated before and i don't think he really got over her. But i needed him to be there for me and he just shut down. (That was strike number one) but as the days moved on shop did we. Never have we forgotten but life had to go on. I went to prom and kept virginity that was disappointing. But that was the sum of my junior year.
Peace beotches
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Theres This Guy...
Okay so ive been in a good relationship for over a year but before that happened i found out that one of my friends has a crush on me (we'll call him eli). i didnt think much of it because i like my boy freind and not eli well not much longer eli got depressed like real depressed and i began to worry. I railed him to tell me what was wrong and not long after that he told me he liked me. Well i tried for him to get over me but it never worked. I dont like him the way he likes me and he doesnt get it and wont leave me alone. a few months ago he got depressed again and again i asked him why. I later found out that he is in love with me!!!
I dont know what to do but i feel bad that i dondt feel the same
I dont know what to do but i feel bad that i dondt feel the same
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
My Fear
Ya'll might think this is sooo funny but really its a serious condition.. Im terrified of COWS! not even kidding. they are the scariest animal on the face of the earth! those who know me know my reason why but for those who dont i will tell you.
Afew years or so i had a dream no more like a nightmare. Well this nightmare started off with me in a feild just a normal feild but with a herd of cows and i didnt think much about it at first because they were just cows. boy was i wrong.. One of the cows kept staring at me with his/her eyes and then bellord. at that sound a huge spaceship and all the cows began to float. turns out the one that was staring at me was their leader and they really were aleins and they wanted to abduct me. but there was a catch the only way they could abduct me was to drop from the ski and squash me. ever since i have not been able to look at a cow without hiding or freaking out! and thats why im terrified of cows
Afew years or so i had a dream no more like a nightmare. Well this nightmare started off with me in a feild just a normal feild but with a herd of cows and i didnt think much about it at first because they were just cows. boy was i wrong.. One of the cows kept staring at me with his/her eyes and then bellord. at that sound a huge spaceship and all the cows began to float. turns out the one that was staring at me was their leader and they really were aleins and they wanted to abduct me. but there was a catch the only way they could abduct me was to drop from the ski and squash me. ever since i have not been able to look at a cow without hiding or freaking out! and thats why im terrified of cows
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